Worst Films of 2013

13 January 2014

This is my rundown of the worst films of 2013.

2013 was a year chock full of quality at the movies.

I saw 508 films, of which 353 were at the cinema. I managed to catch just about everything that received a public cinema release that I wanted to see.

So let us begin.

Part one of my review of 2013 commences with the most dreadful offerings. (To skip ahead to part two, my favourite films of 2013, and the best, click here.)

The bile out of the way first…

THE TOP 20 WORST FILMS OF 2013

Those that nearly made it onto the list: DESPICABLE ME 2, JACK THE GIANT SLAYER, OLDBOY (2013), STOLEN, SUMMER IN FEBRUARY, THE BEST OFFER, THE NUMBERS STATION, THE PAPERBOY and YOU ARE HERE.

20. INTERIOR. LEATHER BAR. – CHILD OF GOD – AS I LAY DYING

As an actor in other people’s projects James Franco has an engaging rapport with the audience – see SPRING BREAKERS and THIS IS THE END. However, when he dons his director’s cap, something appears to shift in his persona. A pretentious, obtuse wave washes over a James Franco film. He has delivered not one, not two, but three directorial duds in the space of 365 days. That is actually some achievement. I saw the following at the Berlin, Toronto and London film festivals respectively:

INTERIOR. LEATHER BAR. is an hour-long art-house experiment, meant as a gap-filler of William Friedkin-Al Pacino 80s thriller CRUISING. Scenes of an explicit nature were excised at the time to get past censorship hang-ups. Here Franco and co-director Travis Mathews make a tedious, unenlightening meta-flick imagining those cut scenes.

CHILD OF GOD adapts Cormac McCarthy, and concerns a backwoods killer. Repetitive and impenetrable.

AS I LAY DYING adapts William Faulkner. Danny McBride can usually save a movie. This is no (intentional) comedy though. An accomplished cast mumble and swallow their words through a leaden Deep South family odyssey.

19. RED DAWN

Did anyone ask for a remake of the Patrick Swayze-Charlie Sheen Reagan-era action flick? Sometimes one has to wonder how a movie so tasteless, so inane, so ineptly put together (bar the explosions), could slip the net of filmmakers and make it onto the big screen. It wallows in the dregs where creativity and allegory go to die. My full review here.

18. EMMANUEL AND THE TRUTH ABOUT FISHES

The worst traits of indie storytelling epitomised here. What are Alfred Molina and Jessica Biel doing in this junk? From the awful opening monologue, by the titular Emanuel, who is constantly delivering glib attempts at wit that continually fall flat, the audience is shovelled the poorly thought out.

17. PASSION

Execrable remake of French potboiler LOVE CRIME. Why did Noomi Rapace and Rachel McAdams sign up? What was director Brian De Palma thinking?! De Palma hasn't made a good film since MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE and that was 1996. Where's the director that crafted BLOW OUT and CARLITO'S WAY?

16. HAMMER OF THE GODS

One hates to trash a movie, especially when it is so apparently lacking in resources; but HAMMER OF THE GODS screams of ineptitude. This is a Viking adventure and should have been soaked in vivacity. Instead the result has the demeanour of an after-school project assembled without a script, everyone just winging it, craving that some quality might magically find its way into the end result. The Viking subgenre should rock, plain and simple; but too many are just flat. My full review here.

15. HELLO CARTER

A comedy caper involving a night of London hijinks might have had a winsome appeal. Unfortunately it stars feeble thesp Charlie Cox (STARDUST). Supporting players Jodie Whittaker and Paul Schneider are not warlocks, lacking the supernatural ability to revive the dead on arrival.

14. THIS IS 40

The charms of KNOCKED UP were lost on me. Zero chemistry, zero believability and few laughs derailed the project. Still, KNOCKED UP’s fiscal success has allowed a pseudo-sequel to be birthed, following squabbling couple Pete (Paul Rudd) and Debbie (Leslie Mann). Judd Apatow, a skilful producer of the projects of others, founders again when overseeing his own directorial work. Casting his family in three of the four lead roles was a mistake. THIS IS 40 reeks of self-indulgence. These characters grate for well over two hours. For a superior look at losing the flush of youth, watch instead the extraordinary BEFORE MIDNIGHT.

13. AFTER EARTH

Talking of self-indulgence, Will Smith and son Jaden star in an excruciating sci-fi supposed-parable. What is the lesson to be learnt by the conclusion? Perhaps that the once excellent helmer M. Night Shyamalan (THE SIXTH SENSE, UNBREAKABLE) has self-sabotaged his standing with this and THE LAST AIRBENDER.

12. LOVE PUNCH

Pierce Brosnan was Bond and Thomas Crown, Emma Thompson has two Oscars, what are they doing starring in such an awkward mess? On paper, a divorced couple, who banter flirtily (read: Bicker artlessly), forced to team up to right a wrong might have had an ADAM’S RIB frisson. Allure-wit-intelligence are unfortunately absent. The cast deserve better. At least there’s a 007 gag (would be rude not to include one). My full review here.

11. PLANES

Dear oh dear. PLANES maybe from the “world of CARS”, but those two Pixar films, the weakest in their strikingly good canon, are masterpieces compared to this. My full review here.

10. THE HANGOVER: PART 3

This is meant to be a comedy right? Then, where did all the jokes go?

9. RUNNING FROM CRAZY

Truly terrible flick focusing on former actress Mariel Hemingway, and exec produced by Oprah Winfrey. If a celeb mag decided to make a documentary on mental illness, this is how I'd imagine the result. Ostensibly about the reasons for the suicides of many of the Hemingway clan, the most famous tragedy, her grandfather Ernest, it instead becomes an attention-seeking advert for Mariel’s lifestyle and a way to promote her children’s modelling/art careers. Drenched in saccharine moments, the worst excesses include the camera continually zooming in on Mariel welling up to ensure we caught the emotion.

8. THE WOLVERINE

Since the high of X-MEN 2, probably one of the best super-hero flicks of all time, containing one of the most exhilarating action sequences so far, the Hugh Jackman-centred X-Men franchise has progressively nose-dived into the doldrums of creativity. It’s not Jackman’s fault, his commitment to the beloved character is what maintains a certain anticipation for another instalment. I didn’t think a Logan episode could get worse than the previous escapade, X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE. I was wrong. My full review here.

7. PACIFIC RIM

For certain people, a robots versus monsters flick is the blockbuster they have been dreaming of. PACIFIC RIM contains the worst elements of director Guillermo del Toro’s HELLBOY movies – the plot holes and poor logic from the first, and the sappiness from the sequel. This was meant to wash out the bad taste of the brainless TRANSFORMERS franchise. However, the same woeful characterisation and poor storytelling is shared with director Michael Bay’s vacuous spectacles. Too many tentpole flicks, meant to wow us with new levels of imagery, are tripping up because of their lack of coherence and satisfactory universe building. My full review here.

6. MAN OF STEEL

How many attempts have there now been, on both the small and silver screens, at interpreting Superman? Plenty. But who knew back in 1978, that SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE, directed by Richard ‘LETHAL WEAPON’ Donner, would end up being so unassailable in its craftsmanship and imagination? Thirty-five years on, and it is looking to be the unbeatable definitive version. As questions of logic and story elements reared up, as inane action sequences mounted up, I could feel the excitement in me evaporating. My full review here.

5. WORLD WAR Z

For fans of the novel, WORLD WAR Z the film has no resemblance to the source. The brilliantly conceived episodic global response, to the zombie apocalypse, is completely absent; to such an extent that one wonders what was the point of buying the rights? With STAR TREK and MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – GHOST PROTOCOL, there was a moment suggested where big cinema was leaning towards teamwork, as the realistic solution to world conundrums, rather than the Rambo one-man is all it takes scenarios. Remakes are usually lazy and cynical, but on this occasion, I don’t mind if someone takes another stab at WORLD WAR Z. My full review here.

4. OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL

The prequel to THE WIZARD OF OZ is surprisingly artless. Director Sam Raimi is better than this. Unimaginative and heavy-handed, one of the rare movies sans any merit.

3. SAVING MR BANKS

The making of MARY POPPINS. Is unappetising synergy the future of cinema? Feels like a corporate advert. Sub-Proustian flashbacks, about the seeds of creativity, drown in simplicity and mawkishness. One kept wondering how much of any of it actually happened.

2. JOBS

This ain’t no SOCIAL NETWORK. The rise, fall and rise of Apple from the perspective of Steve Jobs (Ashton Kutcher) is jaw-droppingly moronic.

1. THE INTERNSHIP

Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn star in a “comedy” set at the Google campus. If you thought SAVING MR BANKS was a corporate promotion, wait till THE INTERNSHIP sticks in your throat. If you thought JOBS was brainless, wait till you get a load of this. A real nadir of modern moviemaking.

Take a breather.

Phew! Got that out of my system. On to…

Part two. My favourite films of 2013, and the best. Click here.