How entertaining? ★★★☆☆
Thought provoking? ★☆☆☆☆ 1 September 2011
This article is a review of CONAN THE BARBARIAN. |
"When a Cimmerian feels thirst, it is a thirst for blood. When he feels cold, it is the cold edge of steel. For the courage of a Cimmerian is tempered: he neither fears death... nor rushes foolishly to meet it. To be a Cimmerian warrior, you must have both cunning and balance as well as speed and strength," Corin
I have to put this out there, the new version of CONAN was going to have to be something special to impress me. I am a massive fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s original. The Robert E. Howard source stories are a weird combination of at-times-offensive, and cracking yarns. CONAN THE DESTROYER was weak, so I was hoping the filmmakers learnt from that. When I heard that journeyman hack Brett Ratner might be directing this remake my heart sank. Marcus Nispel, director of the execrable PATHFINDER, took the helm; and... it turned out quite fun.
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The opening had me hooked, and I thought could this be the sword and sandals fantasy pic I’d been waiting for? Taken from Howard, we are shown Conan born on the battlefield, as his father Corin (Ron Perlman) cut him from his dying mother. Then we meet Conan as a pre-teen on a manhood initiation with his peers. They have to do a massive run with an uncooked egg in their mouth. The first to return with it unbroken is the winner. As the group tussle their way along, they are attacked by another tribe. Conan is the only one to remain and fight after the others flee; and in a bad-ass sequence he takes them all out. Wow! Unfortunately the rest of the film is never as good. There is the typical tale of revenge, which none of the Howard works deal with, and also a story of uniting a dark magical mask that will resurrect the dead, which seemed a bit silly.
Jason Momoa had massive shoes to fill, and doesn’t have the charisma of an Arnie for such a role. Who does? He can act though. As can Rose McGowan, who makes for a sexy and nutty baddie. The rest of the cast is nondescript, given not enough to work with. CONAN does hark back to the 1980s with its violence and nudity, it’s just not as crazy and adventurous at it should’ve been.
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