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2 January 2013
This article is a review of the movies of 2012. |
2012 was a banner year on many counts. I know quality has poured forth when there are too many films for a Top 10, and I’m continually re-arranging the list, as several films vie for that, ahem, much desired Number 1 spot!
I saw 375 films, of which 283 were at the cinema. I managed to catch just about everything that received a public cinema release that I wanted to see.
So let us begin.
The bile out of the way first.
WORST FILMS
Hatefulness and tedium are the nadir of cinema crimes, with stupidity and creative bankruptcy closely followed behind.
Those that nearly made it onto the list: Wrath of the Titans, [Rec.] Genesis, The Dinosaur Project, Pusher, The Darkest Hour, Save Your Legs!, Silent Hill: Revelation, Lockout, Ice Age: Continental Drift, The Bourne Legacy, and Black Eagle: R2B (Return To Base).
The worst 25 films of the year:
I saw 375 films, of which 283 were at the cinema. I managed to catch just about everything that received a public cinema release that I wanted to see.
So let us begin.
The bile out of the way first.
WORST FILMS
Hatefulness and tedium are the nadir of cinema crimes, with stupidity and creative bankruptcy closely followed behind.
Those that nearly made it onto the list: Wrath of the Titans, [Rec.] Genesis, The Dinosaur Project, Pusher, The Darkest Hour, Save Your Legs!, Silent Hill: Revelation, Lockout, Ice Age: Continental Drift, The Bourne Legacy, and Black Eagle: R2B (Return To Base).
The worst 25 films of the year:
25. WE BOUGHT A ZOO
The usual saccharine tripe from director Cameron Crowe (ELIZABETHTOWN). With added cheek of transporting the based-on-fact story from the UK to the USA. Even Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson can’t save this from twee ignominy.
The usual saccharine tripe from director Cameron Crowe (ELIZABETHTOWN). With added cheek of transporting the based-on-fact story from the UK to the USA. Even Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson can’t save this from twee ignominy.
24. WHITE DEER PLAIN
At something like 188 minutes, an interminable epic-wannabe covering 20 years of Chinese history. So all over the place that the camera even turns away from the money-shot explosion.
At something like 188 minutes, an interminable epic-wannabe covering 20 years of Chinese history. So all over the place that the camera even turns away from the money-shot explosion.
23. JOHN CARTER
Andrew Stanton directed some of the most respected animated works of the modern era in WALL.E and FINDING NEMO. When it was announced he was taking on TARZAN author’s seminal JOHN CARTER OF MARS trilogy, my anticipation levels were through the roof. One hundred years on those novels still stand up as white-knuckle thrill rides. However, the resulting cinematic adaptation of the first book was wooden, miscast and generic.
Andrew Stanton directed some of the most respected animated works of the modern era in WALL.E and FINDING NEMO. When it was announced he was taking on TARZAN author’s seminal JOHN CARTER OF MARS trilogy, my anticipation levels were through the roof. One hundred years on those novels still stand up as white-knuckle thrill rides. However, the resulting cinematic adaptation of the first book was wooden, miscast and generic.
22. ENTANGLEMENT
Polish police flick that harks backs to 90s “erotic” thrillers. Ends up treating its leading lady woefully, and the plot points are laughable. My full review here.
Polish police flick that harks backs to 90s “erotic” thrillers. Ends up treating its leading lady woefully, and the plot points are laughable. My full review here.
21. PIRANHA 3DD
PIRANHA 3D was knowing exploitation B.S., but fun. What little smarts/jollification the previous instalment had, was vaporized here.
PIRANHA 3D was knowing exploitation B.S., but fun. What little smarts/jollification the previous instalment had, was vaporized here.
20. IRON SKY
Premiering at the Berlin Film Festival, who would’ve guessed a film about space Nazis living on the moon and planning an Earth invasion would be so inane?
Premiering at the Berlin Film Festival, who would’ve guessed a film about space Nazis living on the moon and planning an Earth invasion would be so inane?
19. SPIKE ISLAND
An inept coming-of-age story of poorly drawn teens attempting to sneak into a Stone Roses gig. The dialogue falls out of mouths like lead.
An inept coming-of-age story of poorly drawn teens attempting to sneak into a Stone Roses gig. The dialogue falls out of mouths like lead.
18. CROSSFIRE HURRICANE
If you knew nothing about The Rolling Stones, you may possibly find CROSSFIRE HURRICANE of some interest. Feels like an extended hagiographic advert for the world tour.
If you knew nothing about The Rolling Stones, you may possibly find CROSSFIRE HURRICANE of some interest. Feels like an extended hagiographic advert for the world tour.
17. MY WAY
An hysteria-imbued, impenetrably mawkish, Korean war drama concerning marathon runners. My full review here.
An hysteria-imbued, impenetrably mawkish, Korean war drama concerning marathon runners. My full review here.
16. AFRICAN CATS
Disney doc that gives the audience nothing that can’t be gleaned from a television; and injects anthropomorphism so greatly as to question any academic usefulness of the movie. My full review here.
Disney doc that gives the audience nothing that can’t be gleaned from a television; and injects anthropomorphism so greatly as to question any academic usefulness of the movie. My full review here.
15. MEN IN BLACK 3
It appears that even Tommy Lee Jones wanted very little to do with it. Understandable.
It appears that even Tommy Lee Jones wanted very little to do with it. Understandable.
14. ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER
An appallingly written novel turned into an appallingly made movie. Honest Abe moonlighting as a vampire hunter, with vampirism used as a crude and brainless analogy for slavery.
An appallingly written novel turned into an appallingly made movie. Honest Abe moonlighting as a vampire hunter, with vampirism used as a crude and brainless analogy for slavery.
13. TAKEN 2
TAKEN had the feel of right wing hate mongering, but at least it had badass action. TAKEN 2 doesn’t even have that. My full review here.
TAKEN had the feel of right wing hate mongering, but at least it had badass action. TAKEN 2 doesn’t even have that. My full review here.
12. COMES A BRIGHT DAY
A heist romantic drama starring the lead of SUBMARINE had me intrigued. But with a script so sh*t, it sucked the life out of me like the Skeksises to the Geflings in THE DARK CRYSTAL. My full review here.
A heist romantic drama starring the lead of SUBMARINE had me intrigued. But with a script so sh*t, it sucked the life out of me like the Skeksises to the Geflings in THE DARK CRYSTAL. My full review here.
10. REQUIEM FOR A KILLER
Even ridiculously lovely Mélanie Laurent couldn’t rescue this banal opera-hitwoman drama. Was it meant to be an experiment: What happens when you strip a film of characterisation, emotions, metaphor and divertissement? My full review here.
Even ridiculously lovely Mélanie Laurent couldn’t rescue this banal opera-hitwoman drama. Was it meant to be an experiment: What happens when you strip a film of characterisation, emotions, metaphor and divertissement? My full review here.
8. PROMETHEUS
What a cluster f*ck! I shake my head in disgust as I type even six months on. Who has made a more disappointing prequel to a beloved 70s sci-fi classic, Ridley Scott or George Lucas? Most blockbusters seem to have plot-holes, but PROMETHEUS’s were so humungous (and plentiful) you could pilot a starship through them. Like THE PHANTOM MENACE diminishing the legacy of A NEW HOPE, this does the same to ALIEN.
What a cluster f*ck! I shake my head in disgust as I type even six months on. Who has made a more disappointing prequel to a beloved 70s sci-fi classic, Ridley Scott or George Lucas? Most blockbusters seem to have plot-holes, but PROMETHEUS’s were so humungous (and plentiful) you could pilot a starship through them. Like THE PHANTOM MENACE diminishing the legacy of A NEW HOPE, this does the same to ALIEN.
7. FAST GIRLS
Analogous to a school production mimicking BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM, and sucking out the charm and charisma, while filling the void with clunky lines and performances. Incompetent on nearly every level. My full review here.
Analogous to a school production mimicking BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM, and sucking out the charm and charisma, while filling the void with clunky lines and performances. Incompetent on nearly every level. My full review here.
6. ROCK OF AGES
Bar Tom Cruise stealing the film as rock star Stacee Jaxx, the rest of the runtime is misogyny and lazy romance.
Bar Tom Cruise stealing the film as rock star Stacee Jaxx, the rest of the runtime is misogyny and lazy romance.
5. TOTAL RECALL
Remakes are mostly lame, this however is a lesson in how to spunk money on the screen with no imaginative returns. Weak set-pieces are the least of the problems. Colin Farrell is not talentless but is in a thankless position of replacing Arnold Schwarzenegger. But again that’s not the worst. The premise is. Earth is unliveable bar Europe and Australia, so some peeps build a shuttle-thing that travels through the centre of the world between these two colonies. Then people do things for no real logical reason. The end.
Remakes are mostly lame, this however is a lesson in how to spunk money on the screen with no imaginative returns. Weak set-pieces are the least of the problems. Colin Farrell is not talentless but is in a thankless position of replacing Arnold Schwarzenegger. But again that’s not the worst. The premise is. Earth is unliveable bar Europe and Australia, so some peeps build a shuttle-thing that travels through the centre of the world between these two colonies. Then people do things for no real logical reason. The end.
4. THIS MEANS WAR
What were Chris Pine, Tom Hardy and Reese Witherspoon thinking when they agreed to be part of an anaemic rom-action-com that has none of those elements? I’m actually angry with them; their warning alarms should’ve gone off when the director of CHARLIE’S ANGELS 2 and TERMINATOR SALVATION was attached to direct.
What were Chris Pine, Tom Hardy and Reese Witherspoon thinking when they agreed to be part of an anaemic rom-action-com that has none of those elements? I’m actually angry with them; their warning alarms should’ve gone off when the director of CHARLIE’S ANGELS 2 and TERMINATOR SALVATION was attached to direct.
3. BATTLESHIP
Probably the worst blockbuster of all time. So dumb, it makes TRANSFORMERS seem like a profound critique on the human condition in comparison.
Probably the worst blockbuster of all time. So dumb, it makes TRANSFORMERS seem like a profound critique on the human condition in comparison.
2. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
A trailer suggested this “reboot” might go in a different direction. The finished product epitomises creative bankruptcy in filmmaking. What exactly was added to Sam Raimi’s original from only 10 years ago? Absolutely nothing. Utterly pointless perhaps; unless arguably an object might be to make lots of money from people who should know better?
A trailer suggested this “reboot” might go in a different direction. The finished product epitomises creative bankruptcy in filmmaking. What exactly was added to Sam Raimi’s original from only 10 years ago? Absolutely nothing. Utterly pointless perhaps; unless arguably an object might be to make lots of money from people who should know better?
1. THE IRON LADY
Meryl Streep is a legend. I’m fully on board with that thought. So she can imitate Margaret Thatcher – does that deserve an Oscar? Nope. We are given a film seemingly aimed at middlebrow audiences, who can’t be bothered to delve into history, and machine-tooled to win awards. The director of MAMMA MIA! delivered a whitewash of a hugely contentious part of British history. Policies from a government and prime minister that still reverberate today. Where was the analysis? The intelligence? The context?
Disingenuous maybe? Dire, definitely.
Meryl Streep is a legend. I’m fully on board with that thought. So she can imitate Margaret Thatcher – does that deserve an Oscar? Nope. We are given a film seemingly aimed at middlebrow audiences, who can’t be bothered to delve into history, and machine-tooled to win awards. The director of MAMMA MIA! delivered a whitewash of a hugely contentious part of British history. Policies from a government and prime minister that still reverberate today. Where was the analysis? The intelligence? The context?
Disingenuous maybe? Dire, definitely.
Take a breather.
Phew! Got that out of my system. On to…
Part Two. My favourite films of 2012, and the best. Click here.
